I despair to be in this world much longer
My bones are as tired as the dying cells beneath them.
Each one greying and old.
The hairs on my skin don’t stand up anymore, I don’t want to breath anymore.
My brain isn’t wired the same as everyone else’s.
I feel helpless.
Lord knows what goes on in there, it’s dark and perforated.
The holes are like black ones, sucking out the life and soul.
It’s like cancer, causing endless pain for all until you reach a point when all you are is…cold.
Cold and out alone, my heart lets out a moan, a moan and groan like it’s some old machine, trying to hear that medical measured tone.
A beat. A heart beat,
a chance, a slice of good trying to intervene.
But nothing happens, she’s tired.
Too tired and tried. Too tried and tired.
The storm has finally calmed from its turbulent winds, and now looks for the solemn sky to guide.
I wish for a beat, a chance and a life. A new one, with living cells, not the old beaten ones from a broken past and battered heart.
I wish for the sea, the guide and the calm, I wish for the warm and the real me to come.
One of the most awful moments occurred yesterday. I was sobbing and felt my heart, break into tiny pieces of shattered glass, glue stains tore and broke.
He said the words I’d only think about in nightmares. He couldn’t, wouldn’t, and shouldn’t be with me at this time.
We need a break, a space, a time, to grow and develop individually, for a while so that when we rejoin, both are stronger than before. But this break, space it provides then,a vacuum of space, for all dark things to take place.
The sad thoughts, the bad thoughts, the ones that make you to cry thoughts. The nostalgic ones, the pretty ones, the funny ones. They all congregate within this space making it so much harder to move on, to detach myself and so I find myself at this moment alone but okay. Okay with being alone, for at the moment I still have hope, that you and I can conquer love.
Love is when, he’s talking yet all you can do is stand there gawking, amazed at his beauty and charm, you know he’ll do you no harm.
Love is when, your lips touch his beneath the hot and heavy covers, bursting with the power to sink ships and lovers.
Love is when you subtly crave his fingers to glide across your back, and when they lovingly do, you feel your heavy soul relax.
Love is when you’re both crying with laughter at his most unfortunate fall or joke, carelessly losing yourself in his smile, suddenly to find, you have no worries at all.
Love, is when he takes your hand, both quietly and heroically as he walks you through no mans land.
Love is when his arms fall around you and kisses cascade upon your head.
Love is even when, you are wallowing in the most inconsolable tears with your pillow soaked, eyes both swollen and your self belief dwindling, and he still whispers in response to your stupid question, ‘because you’re my soul mate and I love you’.
Love, I have found, is even when you are writing these words and you suddenly realise they are all about that one specific person.
Love, is the moment I realise this poem is meant for you my love, and all of these sweet definitions of love, are all actually things which define our love and for that I promise to continue admiring these things, because, of course, you’re my soul mate and I love you.
It’s not about the flowers in your hair, or the chill in the air.
It’s not about the candy floss twined in your fingers, or the houses made of timbers.
It’s not about the sand between your toes, or watching your bank account grow.
It’s not about the hundreds of faces you meet by chance, or those who always say ‘you can’t’
It’s about the smile spreading on your face as the sun lights the flowers in your hair.
It’s about which face is holding you as tight as bear, to keep you warm from the chilling air.
It’s about the sweet taste of sugar and how every bite you take makes you feel as though once again your bones are those of a child, excited, warm and mild.
It’s about how the sea calmed your worries and how the sand scrubbed away your fears.
It’s about that one particular face you look for in the montage of all the others; the one face that tells you it’s with them you have a homely place.
It’s not about the cliche sayings hung in the walls of your marble house, or the hundreds of nobody’s passing through.
It’s about the memories and that moment which once created those sayings, it’s about which face is holding you tight and standing next to you when the wind can cause a fright. It’s about you. And it’s about them.
She’s tired of chasing, when she knows she could be racing.
She’s bored of watching her dreams at night, only to find they are the opposites of her frights.
She’s done with soft words and shallow smiles, for all the smiles are now made of daggers and words of scissors.
She’s angry with being so strong all the time, why can’t she be her soft, damp self for once.
She’s sad at always being happy, why can’t she be the person they fucking carry.
I found myself alone. I found myself a car park.
I found myself a bench.
Or maybe even a coffee shop.
Yet I was still alone.
The feeling sunk into my pores and I’d realised there was no going back now.
I was alone.
In this big, over helming world, there was tiny me.
I found myself the church.
I found myself the flowers.
I found myself the boy.
That sinking feeling came and went like the evening tide subsiding.
I found myself his arms and with that a comfort.
He gave me five whole pounds and told me to go get a coffee.
I found myself a coffee and with that some tears.
He told me to wait and so wait is what I’ll do.
I’ll wait until he’s here and then we can talk about it.
But talk about it as much as you want. I’d still be alone in this big blue world.
At least I found my boy though.
At least I found my coffee.
That was something I guess.
The moment was perfect, soft and filled with succulent tenderness which stemmed from our raw emotions. Each and every nerve could feel him, it was almost as if I’d developed a sixth sense to his every twitch and breath. Our legs intertwined and my arms around his head, burying my own in the strong crevice of his shoulder. Then he looked at me, with an expression that was one of a knowing parent. “Are you actually okay?” The words tumbled onto the pillow, my tears shortly followed. As soon as they began it became clear they never meant to end. He pulled me closer, lying over his chest like a mother with their child. I sobbed and sobbed, with each sob my heart aches and strained even more and soon my breath was hiccuping whilst each and every wall I had built broke down. I broke down. I broke into a sobbing heap of a girl who was so lost in her world and pain that for a second she felt as though there was no surviving left to do.
Then his words came, like soft sprinkles of assurance and comfort. Like safety and security. Love and protection. It’s going to be okay he whispered, you have me now, I’ll look after you, we can get through this together. With each word another brick fell snd with it, several more tears. Before long I was sobbing so hard my body shook in his arms, his shoulder soaked in tears and my self control abandoned. It all drained away, slowly and painfully, like an abscess until I had nothing left but a shell of myself in the arms of the man I loved. His fingers calmed the soft hair at the nape of my neck, my breathing slowed. I let out one, two, three big sighs and with that I felt calm again. Without him my shell would be just that, however when I’m with him I become myself in more ways I even knew. Never before had I sobbed like I just had into someone’s arms, not even my mothers. My eyes stung and were swollen, I wiped my remaining tears on his sleeve as my body melted into his. I stroked his hair and he stroked mine, his other hand tracing the delicate lace outline of my underwear. The night was dark with beautiful flickers of starlight and beneath it was us, two small souls just looking for their place in the world, yet i knew my only place in the world was here, in this moment, in his arms, warm, safe and cuddled against his chest.
I was gazing at the trees ahead when I saw you, just by the entrance. You were in your grey magnetic suit and my God did you look charming. I attempted to wave.
For all of the promises I made myself, my tears only betrayed them. You hugged me and all of the pieces I was holding together on a string finally collapsed. I felt myself melt and mould to you like a soft candle against a flame. A lump arose in my throat, my feet lost their balance and my body felt like two.
I knew I was home.
I wanted to hold on for longer, I missed the way you used to hold me close. I missed the way I’d stroke the back of your hair or how you’d burrow yourself away in the crevice of my neck. As we sat and talked our conversations were decorated with pillows of emotions. Anger bubbles and simmered as hot tears cascaded down my firing cheeks and followed the curve of my trembling lips. Yet all I could fantasise of was kissing yours. I wanted you to bite my lip and revisit a feeling I knew so well. Pain resonated itself in my fingertips.
As we continued to speak I zoned out of the world I was in and became lost in our own.
I watched the grass as you spoke. Explaining how my words had caused the pain I now heard in yours. You moved away, I inched closer. All I wanted to do was touch you. I heard your voice crack and as you looked up at me I recognised a face I’d seen myself wear so recently. You were heartbroken too. Your eyes pricked with tears and in that moment I felt a spike pass through me. I love you, isn’t that all that matters?
The anger subsided, I saw it disintegrate into the musky summer air; as it did, sadness and despair took its place. Almost like a snake shedding its skin. I rested my heavy head on your shoulder. The silence between us acted as a comfort to my wirring lost mind. As I sobbed you tilted your head so it was touching mine. I felt my hands rise with hope to stroke your hair.
The closer we became the more nervous I felt. I sensed your aura of uncertainty as your forrhead matched mine. Nose to nose, body to body. Lips just a breath away from mine.
I kissed you.
In that second my mind and body sparked, my heart jumped and as you kissed back, you reignited the person I left behind that night. Our kisses were fast and unforgiving. You wanted me as badly as I wanted you. Tears bellowed and bustled down me cheeks and salted our sweet kiss, only making it sweeter.
I felt calm again, I felt in love and alive again. I wanted me and you to be us again, and for one damning soft moment we were.
The worst thing I ever did was leave you. The best thing I ever did was love you.
Yet somewhere in between I got lost.
I was lost in a world split in half, but all I was trying to do was find me and you.
Insecurities became our security and because of that we allowed ourselves to slowly eat away at any spec of trust.
I say one thing, and the person staring back at me says another.
All of the eyes behind us tell me it’s a match made in heaven, soul mates, and better halves.
All your eyes tell me is that despite the fact I fell in love with you, you will never be happy because for you that isn’t enough.
And not being enough? That’s my biggest insecurity.
Now I’m laying in bed alone and my pillow is saturated with tears.
My breathing is doing that funny thing and all I want is to go back and change my mind. I want to change my mind and tell you I don’t mean it. But baby when you say the things you did and make me feel the way you did, I find it hard to see you the same way.
The easiest thing I ever did? It was being with you.
Being with you on the beach, in that room, in my room, in the garden, in the high street hiding behind a bus stop, or running down your road only for you to catch me as I land in the place that can only be described as home.
The hardest thing I’m doing?
Well that’s leaving you, but I’m doing it for a reason kid, and you have to know I still and always will love you. I love you through acid and back and to the stars and far beyond. You may read this and be filled with hate, but as I write this I’m filled with regret and sadness.
Please know that I love you, the same way the sky loves the moon. Please know that, and please know I hope you still love me too.