Pattering hearts and dusted cheeks

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The world stopped,
in it our eyes locked,
and the jubilant hum of the world became just that.

through your eyes I saw my own,
and in that moment I felt I was home.

This room,
its filled with forbidden passion,
we both knew we had to ration.

my past lovers held the chains,
whilst your only love held the reigns.

yet in my mind I hold scarce doubt,
that in due course,
we’re sure to shout
and our worlds will fuse with force.

then with a bump in the road I shy away,
and lead us into a platonic state.

with dusted cheeks and pattering hearts,
we braced the stairs and hoped to last.

Things I’ll never say-

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I need to whisper you something. When you came into my life, it was like I’d been waiting for you. I tried to commit suicide the week before. I had given up. I was miserable. Then, when I met you, it was like a reason to keep going.  You were everything I desired, handsome, witty, charming, sexy, naughty, wrong, bad, toxic, intimate, passionate and a friend. You promised me things I only read and dreamt about. You touched a piece of me neither of us even knew existed. Its like you once told me- whatever happens, even if we choose separate paths in life, I’ll never forget you. I’ll never forget this, that, then, the memories, the feeling, the way you make me feel. I’ll never forget the taste of your laced blood and possible children. The taste of you,  its made its home on my tongue. The imprint of your lips exist on my own. I’ll never forget the feeling of your hand in mine, or the way you cupped my face before a kiss. I’ll never forget the aroma of our sex or the shed or the woods, our bed or my home -you. I’ll never forget the soft caress of your hair dancing through my fingers. I’ll never forget the taste of warming bitter drone at the back of my throat. I’ll never forget how after your first line you’d either smile with relief and anticipation or smirk because you wanted my body in ways neither Satan nor Aphrodite could imagine. I’ll never forget the light of your intricate and hazy sea blue eyes or the way your pupils dilated and your words tumbled and fell. I’ll never forget the sound of my name born on your lips. I’ll never forget the way that your voice was of an octave so much like home my soul stirred. I’ll never forget on February 17th you woke an entire different being of whom I’ve now become.

I’ll never forget on March 1st we jumped from mountains and flew as Icarus and well – “Can we say it?” “Say what?” “I love you” “I love you too”. None of these things will ever leave me. I can’t control where they lay residence but I can ensure they never fade. And that’s what I want to say. Despite you being here, I’m getting bad again. I’ve forgotten how to hide from the night and now my body tires. My cheeks live to bore the death of my tears and my stomach has abandoned its purpose. My depression is awake again. Not because of you though. He woke when I slipped into the illusion of happiness. And now? Now its too late. I have to see this through. I don’t know how long it will last but I do know that with every breath I breathe, I often long my next to cease to last. My bones are made of paper words, my skin of air, my heart of coal and mind of the earth.

Baby I’m telling you this because if you leave me, I’m sure to die. I don’t care for how or where you stay. Much like my memories. Just so long as you are here with me. You just can’t leave me baby. You see, my darling, you are not just a reason to live, you are my very first and very last reason to. I’ve allowed the branches of my existence to become so entangled with yours that should you rise I shall collapse into a heap of broken chances. I need you to be here with me. To exist with me. To love me and to hold me and to care for me and want and need and help me. I need you to stay with me now. For crying out loud Baby please don’t ever fucking leave me. I can’t take it. I wont survive. You can’t leave me okay? Of all the promises my soul cries and my heart asks, I beg you, promise me this. Promise you’ll never leave me baby.

And in my grounded mind after a moment, behind the curtains and to the reminder of rain, I then heard the soft relieved sigh of my existence.

“Baby, I promise, I’ll never leave you.”

Cusp of Autumn

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Another month goes by. The seasons change.The days begin and end. Yet my love for you never leaves me and the pain you caused me never subsides. I wonder if, maybe you have a moment of weakness as I do, and that maybe a part of you just wants to forget and wipe the slate clean. To let the autumn rain wash away all our mistakes and let our hateful words die with the leaves. But then I remember, even if you do have this moment, even if you do think about the past or how things could have been, then I remember that actually there is no amount of love and repair that your moment of weakness can hold to fix the place we are in at the moment. Even if you do think about me, you still make the choice on every autumnal morning to leave us in this place of hatred and longing. This place of the unknown and unsaid. You still leave me here, and that was always my biggest fear. That you would lose me and never come after me. After all, sometimes we have to runaway just to see who will come after us and save us and show us how much we really mean to them.

Only you never came after me. You let me go, and I, in my moment of stupidity and curiosity let myself go too far. Now you will never come to save me and I will never return. We will forever be walking our lives alone. For all we ever wanted was for the other to show us love. And that my dear, is my greatest regret