Solitary findings. 

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I found myself alone. I found myself a car park. 

I found myself a bench. 

Or maybe even a coffee shop. 

Yet I was still alone. 

The feeling sunk into my pores and I’d realised there was no going back now. 

I was alone. 

In this big, over helming world, there was tiny me. 

Alone. 

I found myself the church. 

I found myself the flowers. 

I found myself the boy. 

That sinking feeling came and went like the evening tide subsiding. 

I found myself his arms and with that a comfort. 

He gave me five whole pounds and told me to go get a coffee. 

I found myself a coffee and with that some tears. 

He told me to wait and so wait is what I’ll do. 

I’ll wait until he’s here and then we can talk about it. 

But talk about it as much as you want. I’d still be alone in this big blue world. 

At least I found my boy though. 

At least I found my coffee. 

That was something I guess. 

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The moment was perfect, soft and filled with succulent tenderness which stemmed from our raw emotions. Each and every nerve could feel him, it was almost as if I’d developed a sixth sense to his every twitch and breath. Our legs intertwined and my arms around his head, burying my own in the strong crevice of his shoulder. Then he looked at me, with an expression that was one of a knowing parent. “Are you actually okay?” The words tumbled onto the pillow, my tears shortly followed. As soon as they began it became clear they never meant to end. He pulled me closer, lying over his chest like a mother with their child. I sobbed and sobbed, with each sob my heart aches and strained even more and soon my breath was hiccuping whilst each and every wall I had built broke down. I broke down. I broke into a sobbing heap of a girl who was so lost in her world and pain that for a second she felt as though there was no surviving left to do.

Then his words came, like soft sprinkles of assurance and comfort. Like safety and security. Love and protection. It’s going to be okay he whispered, you have me now, I’ll look after you, we can get through this together. With each word another brick fell snd with it, several more tears. Before long I was sobbing so hard my body shook in his arms, his shoulder soaked in tears and my self control abandoned. It all drained away, slowly and painfully, like an abscess until I had nothing left but a shell of myself in the arms of the man I loved. His fingers calmed the soft hair at the nape of my neck, my breathing slowed. I let out one, two, three big sighs and with that I felt calm again. Without him my shell would be just that, however when I’m with him I become myself in more ways I even knew. Never before had I sobbed like I just had into someone’s arms, not even my mothers. My eyes stung and were swollen, I wiped my remaining tears on his sleeve as my body melted into his. I stroked his hair and he stroked mine, his other hand tracing the delicate lace outline of my underwear. The night was dark with beautiful flickers of starlight and beneath it was us, two small souls just looking for their place in the world, yet i knew my only place in the world was here, in this moment, in his arms, warm, safe and cuddled against his chest. 

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I was gazing at the trees ahead when I saw you, just by the entrance.  You were in your grey magnetic suit and my God did you look charming. I attempted to wave. 

For all of the promises I made myself, my tears only betrayed them. You hugged me and all of the pieces I was holding together on a string finally collapsed. I felt myself melt and mould to you like a soft candle against a flame. A lump arose in my throat, my feet lost their balance and my body felt like two. 

I knew I was home. 

I wanted to hold on for longer, I missed the way you used to hold me close. I missed the way I’d stroke the back of your hair or how you’d burrow yourself away in the crevice of my neck. As we sat and talked our conversations were decorated with pillows of emotions. Anger bubbles and simmered as hot tears cascaded down my firing cheeks and followed the curve of my trembling lips. Yet all I could fantasise of was kissing yours. I wanted you to bite my lip and revisit a feeling I knew so well. Pain resonated itself in my fingertips.

As we continued to speak I zoned out of the world I was in and became lost in our own. 

I watched the grass as you spoke. Explaining how my words had caused the pain I now heard in yours. You moved away, I inched closer. All I wanted to do was touch you. I heard your voice crack and as you looked up at me I recognised a face I’d seen myself wear so recently. You were heartbroken too. Your eyes pricked with tears and in that moment I felt a spike pass through me. I love you, isn’t that all that matters? 

The anger subsided, I saw it disintegrate into the musky summer air; as it did, sadness and despair took its place. Almost like a snake shedding its skin. I rested my heavy head on your shoulder. The silence between us acted as a comfort to my wirring lost mind. As I sobbed you tilted your head so it was touching mine. I felt my hands rise with hope to stroke your hair. 

The closer we became the more nervous I felt. I sensed your aura of uncertainty as your forrhead matched mine. Nose to nose, body to body. Lips just a breath away from mine. 

I kissed you. 

In that second my mind and body sparked, my heart jumped and as you kissed back, you reignited the person I left behind that night. Our kisses were fast and unforgiving. You wanted me as badly as I wanted you. Tears bellowed and bustled down me cheeks and salted our sweet kiss, only making it sweeter. 

I felt calm again, I felt in love and alive again. I wanted me and you to be us again, and for one damning soft moment we were. 

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The worst thing I ever did was leave you. The best thing I ever did was love you. 

Yet somewhere in between I got lost. 

I was lost in a world split in half, but all I was trying to do was find me and you. 

Insecurities became our security and because of that we allowed ourselves to slowly eat away at any spec of trust. 

I say one thing, and the person staring back at me says another. 

All of the eyes behind us tell me it’s a match made in heaven, soul mates, and better halves. 

All your eyes tell me is that despite the fact I fell in love with you, you will never be happy because for you that isn’t enough. 

And not being enough? That’s my biggest insecurity. 

Now I’m laying in bed alone and my pillow is saturated with tears. 

My breathing is doing that funny thing and all I want is to go back and change my mind. I want to change my mind and tell you I don’t mean it. But baby when you say the things you did and make me feel the way you did, I find it hard to see you the same way. 

The easiest thing I ever did? It was being with you. 

Being with you on the beach, in that room, in my room, in the garden, in the high street hiding behind a bus stop, or running down your road only for you to catch me as I land in the place that can only be described as home. 

The hardest thing I’m doing? 

Well that’s leaving you, but I’m doing it for a reason kid, and you have to know I still and always will love you. I love you through acid and back and to the stars and far beyond. You may read this and be filled with hate, but as I write this I’m filled with regret and sadness. 

Please know that I love you, the same way the sky loves the moon. Please know that, and please know I hope you still love me too.