Things I’ll never say-

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I need to whisper you something. When you came into my life, it was like I’d been waiting for you. I tried to commit suicide the week before. I had given up. I was miserable. Then, when I met you, it was like a reason to keep going.  You were everything I desired, handsome, witty, charming, sexy, naughty, wrong, bad, toxic, intimate, passionate and a friend. You promised me things I only read and dreamt about. You touched a piece of me neither of us even knew existed. Its like you once told me- whatever happens, even if we choose separate paths in life, I’ll never forget you. I’ll never forget this, that, then, the memories, the feeling, the way you make me feel. I’ll never forget the taste of your laced blood and possible children. The taste of you,  its made its home on my tongue. The imprint of your lips exist on my own. I’ll never forget the feeling of your hand in mine, or the way you cupped my face before a kiss. I’ll never forget the aroma of our sex or the shed or the woods, our bed or my home -you. I’ll never forget the soft caress of your hair dancing through my fingers. I’ll never forget the taste of warming bitter drone at the back of my throat. I’ll never forget how after your first line you’d either smile with relief and anticipation or smirk because you wanted my body in ways neither Satan nor Aphrodite could imagine. I’ll never forget the light of your intricate and hazy sea blue eyes or the way your pupils dilated and your words tumbled and fell. I’ll never forget the sound of my name born on your lips. I’ll never forget the way that your voice was of an octave so much like home my soul stirred. I’ll never forget on February 17th you woke an entire different being of whom I’ve now become.

I’ll never forget on March 1st we jumped from mountains and flew as Icarus and well – “Can we say it?” “Say what?” “I love you” “I love you too”. None of these things will ever leave me. I can’t control where they lay residence but I can ensure they never fade. And that’s what I want to say. Despite you being here, I’m getting bad again. I’ve forgotten how to hide from the night and now my body tires. My cheeks live to bore the death of my tears and my stomach has abandoned its purpose. My depression is awake again. Not because of you though. He woke when I slipped into the illusion of happiness. And now? Now its too late. I have to see this through. I don’t know how long it will last but I do know that with every breath I breathe, I often long my next to cease to last. My bones are made of paper words, my skin of air, my heart of coal and mind of the earth.

Baby I’m telling you this because if you leave me, I’m sure to die. I don’t care for how or where you stay. Much like my memories. Just so long as you are here with me. You just can’t leave me baby. You see, my darling, you are not just a reason to live, you are my very first and very last reason to. I’ve allowed the branches of my existence to become so entangled with yours that should you rise I shall collapse into a heap of broken chances. I need you to be here with me. To exist with me. To love me and to hold me and to care for me and want and need and help me. I need you to stay with me now. For crying out loud Baby please don’t ever fucking leave me. I can’t take it. I wont survive. You can’t leave me okay? Of all the promises my soul cries and my heart asks, I beg you, promise me this. Promise you’ll never leave me baby.

And in my grounded mind after a moment, behind the curtains and to the reminder of rain, I then heard the soft relieved sigh of my existence.

“Baby, I promise, I’ll never leave you.”

Cusp of Autumn

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Another month goes by. The seasons change.The days begin and end. Yet my love for you never leaves me and the pain you caused me never subsides. I wonder if, maybe you have a moment of weakness as I do, and that maybe a part of you just wants to forget and wipe the slate clean. To let the autumn rain wash away all our mistakes and let our hateful words die with the leaves. But then I remember, even if you do have this moment, even if you do think about the past or how things could have been, then I remember that actually there is no amount of love and repair that your moment of weakness can hold to fix the place we are in at the moment. Even if you do think about me, you still make the choice on every autumnal morning to leave us in this place of hatred and longing. This place of the unknown and unsaid. You still leave me here, and that was always my biggest fear. That you would lose me and never come after me. After all, sometimes we have to runaway just to see who will come after us and save us and show us how much we really mean to them.

Only you never came after me. You let me go, and I, in my moment of stupidity and curiosity let myself go too far. Now you will never come to save me and I will never return. We will forever be walking our lives alone. For all we ever wanted was for the other to show us love. And that my dear, is my greatest regret

 

momentary euphoria

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I can’t even begin to explain the way your tobacco breath excites my cells,
Its like they know that with each toxic breath you inhale, you get one step closer to your greatest fear, yet at the same time , the momentary head rush of toxins and pleasure is enough for you to take that risk.
And that’s what loving you feels like. Each time I spend another tender, innocent moment with you, my heart flutters and my stomach dances. I’ve never felt so alive as to when your eyes are delving into mine and your promises engrave themselves in my mind. I’ve never felt so mortal as to when your touch sears into my skin and the taste of your blood drives my want and passion.
Each time you take a pull, each time I hear your voice. We both take the risk of dying, of losing it all, just for that moment of euphoria and each time I hope the risk is worth it.

Sweet Denial

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As the words tumbled from your mouth, a laugh stumbled from mine. Don’t mistake me, I’m not mocking, only denying. Denying the idea that somone like you could fathom the idea, the notion and myth that you could possibly fall for me. Ha.

That’s where you fall down, where your weakness is. Yes you may have more knowledge of things I’m only just discovering, but I have more knowledge of myself. Something you’ve only just found. I see in your eyes that you truly belive you could love me, more than you already do. In a way neither of us planned to use.

You see the thing is, it’s not me, it is you. It is the way you love, it is the way you want to love and it is the only way you know how to. But I can’t be loved like that. I never have and never will. I’m not a dainty and elegant thing that can be loved by all and respond in the way they need. I’m not a rougue and wild woman whose lover loves her from a distance and that is enough for the both of them. I’m not the young sweet love which will last forever as long as you are happy. I’m not the tender caring love or the passionate and wild. I’m not the doomed or forbidden or the destined and desired. I’m none of the things that you understand about love. I’m all of the things you don’t.

I am person who cannot accept love, of any type, in any form, within any life time.  I blossom in the idea that I could receive your love the way you desired. But I don’t know how to. I don’t know how to take a man such as yourself, and turn him into a boy. I wouldn’t know how to love you so that you became the best of us. I don’t understand how to make you feel the way you want me to feel. I would do your love no justice, and that is something at which you laugh.

A person such as yourself is a blessing. Although you’ve lived through moons and starts and seen the worst of this world and of others, you still have a glimmer of hope that love conquers all. Another stumble.

Love does not conquer all, my dear, love is just the bandaid, the plaster, the cotton wool to put on a wound. All it does is shelter and protect something vulnerable. Love does not heal the wounded nor does it save them. It merely provides a basis for the weak and broken to try and fix themselves.

Which is why I cannot accpet your love. Which is why I must tell you “no” when you offer to me your heart, I would do you no justice and despite my yearning to be loved by you, to wake up next to your lips and to dream in your arms. Despite my body craving every inch of yours and my mind wanting to intertwine itself with yours. Depite my wanting whats best for you and caring for you no matter what state we may be in.

I must deny myself your unconditional offer. I cannot allow myself to be loved by a man like you, because if I did it would only be a waste of something so rare and intimate. So human and naïve, so pure and homely.

I must deny your love, my love, I have to. Im not ready to try and fix the wounds of years before. My wounds have become scars that run deeper than oceans on planets and abyss’s that duldge further than the boundaries of the earth. My scars can’t be fixed, soothed or remedied. I’m hopelessly broken but I’ve learned to live like this and this is how I shall continue to do so.

But I must thank you for giving my fractured ways a glimmer of warmth and hope, and maybe one day that will be enough to help my scars fade. And if they do, well, then maybe I would have learnt something new.

Liberation of the heart

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In life, there are people who you refuse to give up on. Why? Because you believe that they need you. Or you feel a responsibility for them. As I did for him.
I’d left him in a dark place of which i felt i needed to help him leave, but as he resurrected the words in my mind I knew it was over. His eyes burrowed the trail for my tears which fell from my profile like heavy hearts of lovers. Hurt and anger rose in my heavy chest. His spiteful words spat at my hope whilst his indulgent blue eyes pierced the illusion that we should be able to continue our ordeal.
Pain, dissapointment and sheer anger bubbled into a mixture of letters which made the words I never before had the will to say.
I cried to the stars of how I despised the timing of his realisation that I was no longer the person he believed me to be.
I felt so frustrated, so hateful of him. Of the person I wanted to love. I feared his hate as i was unexposed to it. I craved his approval but at the same knew that if I were to walk away with a piece if my hurting heart I had to put to rest my minds unrest.
And so I did.
I told him of how my anger raged as he humiliated me. Of how I felt unworthy because he was too cautious. Of how I wanted to help his sorry self but the frustration he caused me by not allowing me to help him only made me feel useless. So useless I questioned my reality. So useless I questioned our entire existence.
As venom poured from my words and I saw their imprint in his eyes I knew we were not the same. I knew he didn’t respect me. I knew he didn’t love me. I knew for life of me that he and I were no longer in the same universe and to me he no longer existed.
The pain no longer existed.
The love no longer existed.
The want, the care, the undying responsibility and need to love someone no longer held a place in the stars that made the person he saw before him.
As I walked away I felt my troubles and burdening emotion die with the flowers beyond the window. I felt free and liberated but in the same moment a deep sorrow over came me. I knew that was end and I was deeply saddened by this.

Fools Facade

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I couldn’t fathom the idea that they wouldn’t believe me. It never even crossed my mind, that they should think I made it up. But its true, unfortunately it wasnt the first nor last time it would happen. Even S said so herself “you deal with it well for a situation that is claimed to be as bad as it is” but S believed me. Only because she’d been at my house. She had seen it for herself.
But the idea that K and B didn’t believe me, it angered and frustrated me but also it made me sad. Sad to think that people I claimed to be my friends didn’t actually believe what I told them about my life. S’s relay of their words repeated in my head “The thing about her is, its hard to believe what she says. You’ve only known her a short while, but we think she makes it up sometimes”.  The thing that is most frustrating, is that I have given them no reason not to believe me when I tell them about my life and the past year. Its all been hard enough, and I now had to convince them?  And it wasn’t as if  their lives were so good and problem free as both of them (as most people) have been through difficult times, what was it about mine that made it unbelievable? The fact I was kicked out? The fact I hadn’t seen my family in nearly a year? The verbal and physical abuse? Or was it just because as S had said? That I put on a front that fools them into thinking I’m fine. That’s all I can assume.
This is why I don’t talk about my past five years. Because not only can no one help, and the majority of it is over, but because no one is caring enough to believe that I have experienced what I say I have. Everyone is happy accepting my facade so long as they don’t have to deal with any of the real stuff. And that hurts, but its why I pretend everything is okay. I guess I had gotten so used to living like this that I forgot it’s abnormal to most. And its only reassured me that pretending its okay is the only way to deal with it.

Auto Pilot

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It can be hard to know how a day will plan out. But sometimes your instinct tells you that the day ahead will be one to test you. To make you doubt yourself. To highlight all of the problems you hid away. Yesterday was one of those days. I had the surreal experience of bumping into my father. The father I haven’t spoken to in 11 months. The man whose daughter disappointed so deeply he had nothing to say to her when he happened to see her.

It was surreal, for so long I had hidden any feelings and all at once I was confronted with them.

I saw him immediately as I turned the corner. My stomach dropped as I am sure my mouth did. I felt nauseous and lost. My gut instinct was to run to him and wrap my hands around his large stomach and squeeze him with all I had left. I wanted him to know how much I loved and missed him.

But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

Instead I stared and in doing so, I caught his eye. The bleak half smiles exchanged were so contrasted to the full blown happy smiles we used to exchange. After that I stared at the floor and prayed that Grandma wouldn’t see him. Seconds later I heard her call him, I turned away in disbelief. Shaking and nauseous I tried to hold back tears. My sound was blocked out. I felt as though I was submersed in water.  Grandma’s voice called me from a distance and asked to me to say hello to my father. I turned to him. We stared at each other. His eyes said all I needed to know. Neither of us said anything. I raised my hand as a greeting. Then my self-control no longer kept my tears at bay. Whilst my Grandma continued her idle and desperate talk I shook as hot tears cascaded down my pale face. I paced up and down trying not to vomit as I debated on whether or not to walk away but I couldn’t think straight. So I just stood for a few more seconds until I could take it no more and my weak legs carried me away.  No less than twenty seconds later I was sobbing and my Grandma was behind me with her arm on my shoulder. I pushed her off wiped my tears of betrayal and walked to the car.

In the car I just stared. Oblivious if the cruel world that surrounded me. I held in my emotions until I passed the threshold of my door and closed it behind me. Then at last I sobbed and silently wailed until I could no longer stand or breathe. I lay and composed myself.

I showered quietly. Not thinking. Not crying. Just following my auto pilot’s orders

Risks

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In life we get second chances. I have had many, and I am not sure how much longer my ‘one last thing’ attitude will last me. I wasn’t expecting the text from him. But I got it. I didn’t know that he would come after me. The winks and cheeky comments were just banter to me! Now, I can see that he misread me. But there is a part of me that allowed him to misread me. A part of me that wanted him too. Now I have got what i want, but unlike with F.  I may not get away with this one. F. may have been my last chance, now I feel I am pushing fate. I know that if I’m caught with him , I will have to move out. And that is a risk I shouldn’t take. But I am. But I will.

Why? Because.

Because despite my head telling me to settle down and behave. To keep out of harms way. I always take the risk.

I believe the main reason I do this is to test not only the boundaries, but myself. I want to see what I can take. What I can, under a certain amount of pressure and with something to loose, how far I can go. What will stop me? What will be the one thing I don’t risk? As so far I risked everything and everyone. Never have i come across something or someone and thought to myself “should the time come, I will never risk you. You mean too much to me.”

I also take risks because they are what make me feel alive! They are what make the future unpredictable. We cannot predict the outcome of a risk, a chance, a whim. And that is why I love it. My entire life has been predictable. Not in the sense that life events happened as they should, but in the sense that, put in a situation I know what will be the outcome. Others are too easy to predict and if it’s not them, it’s me. I know what the majority of my boundaries are. But I want to make them fool proof. The reason being, should I meet my match I want to know my own weakness.

And it appears that L. is my most current risk.

And it was a risk worth taking.

Being with him was the most sensual and full of life thing I have experienced. He made me feel so feminine and worthy. I know that what happened between us was not love, but a mutual appreciation for one another strongly fuelled by lust, want and rebellion.

Unblessed

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The hurt that she caused made her feel so sick, so inhumane and isolated that she felt no place here. She knew what she had done was wrong, but things don’t happen like this, she was supposed to be forgiven, and they should have seen it was a mistake. It was unintentional. It made no sense that she would want to cause so much pain to so many people she cared about.

She saw that it was too late, the dead pain in his eyes told her there was no going back, no being forgiven, no forgetting. She’d hurt him more than either of them could have imagined, and that’s what blew her mind the most- she didn’t even know she was capable of being loved, let alone destroy the person loving her.

The relentless guilt and pain washing over her now, was a mirror image of what she had felt a year before when she walked out of her house, family still inside. She kept making the same mistakes, and every time it was genuine mistake of bad judgement. Every time it was unintentional and every time she regretted it so badly she swore never to hurt those she loved. Every time she swore never to lie again. To always be faithful, loyal and truthful.

Sitting on her bed now, staring viciously out of the window with boiling tears sweeping down her cheeks, she realised that those qualities- faithfulness, loyalty and truthfulness- they were all qualities she wasn’t good enough for. She wasn’t blessed with them and now she was to spend the rest of her life losing the ones she loved because of it.

My finding

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He was handsome, ruggishly handsome with an air of invincibility about him. He was laid back and cool, nothing appeared to bother him. This made him even more… Desirable. His Scottish accent livened my nerves and his electric blue eyes set me alight.

The night continued, the light headedness made everything that bit more exciting. Adrenaline pumped through my veins as we broke into the cinema building site. The sky had begun to lighten; he and I sat on the steps. He laughed.  His laughter was like magic, and although I’d only know him a short while, I knew his laughter would be something I would continue desire to hear.

He looked at me for a moment. I saw the world in his blue eyes and for a moment I felt something.

Words whispered from his mouth, a smile grew across my face and I tried to hold his gaze but couldn’t. A nervous laugh escaped from me. I felt the tension between us, it was as strong as the metal framework that structured the building. It was what I found out to be love.