You do too

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It made me smile,seeing you smile too . It made me laugh, hearing your laugh too. It made me warm, feeling your warmth too. It made my heartbeat, knowing yours did too. 

It made me breathe, hearing you do too. It made me live, watching you live too. It makes me love, watching and knowing you do too.  

I’ll leave this one untitled in the hope I say nothing stupid

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Please know that I love you?Please know that with every tumbling clumsy word I mumble,I mean it only from a place of honesty and comfort. 

I mean it so true that I almost assume you’ll know my intentions are nothing but kind. 

Please know that I’m sorry?

I’m sorry I stumble over many small bumps, All which lead you down the road of questioning, doubt and sorrow. I do love you. 
In some worlds love is not enough, for those who tumble and fall knew they were subverting the barrier of what’s right and what’s wrong. 
In our world now, all barriers are clear, all filters present and I only hope you’ll see past any reason for doubt with views true to what we are. 
We are in love, we are two song birds in April and two lions in the great desert. We are two people and souls with all the best intentions and wants. 

So please forgive my clumsy demeanour, for I mean only to love you with honesty and wholesomeness, and I want nothing more than to love you for as long as my body, mind and imagination will let me.  

To the man reading this-

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There aren’t enough words to describe this feeling, The feeling so many before me have tried to animate. 

The motion of adoration and love, is what my heart’s film is reeling.

I don’t write as much anymore, 

Mostly because the pains I used to write about are gone, And now there’s you soothing me at my core. 

Yet despite my developments and happiness. A new emotion has come around and this is one I struggle with. 
This a feeling that no amount of scenery can soothe, 
No amount of stimulants can excite and no amount of painkillers can subside. 

This feeling is one which outlines a girl who can’t be enough.
A girl who had been destroyed so many times she is now the thing that destroys. And what she hates the most is that she has finally found her flower in the field, her drop in the ocean and flake in the snow. She’s finally found her ying to her yang, her mothers favourite animal and her comfort when she needs it. 

She’s finally found the thing worth fighting for and yet she always seems to tread blindly into minefields. 

The only words she has left to write are those of apologetic means and sorrowful regrets. 
But I won’t do that. 
Instead I will write words of which you may not make much sense of, but to the man reading this, it makes all the sense of any other lyrical piece.  

To the man reading this, he understands what she is trying to tell him. 

To he man reading this, these apparent rambles are all he needs to see to know she adores him. 

To the man reading this, she’s sorry. And although that five letter word isn’t enough to illustrate an emotion this strong. It is enough to tell you I love you, and that each new flake in the snow is only as unique as it can be, due to the fact it’s made of a love for you so intricate and delicate, no one else could understand or create it. 

It’s made of a love so perfect and mismatched that it fits our edges as though it were tailor made. 

It’s this love which only he and her, or you and I can see. 

It’s this love M.J.B.C that makes us me and you. 

Details

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I like to watch you, The way your glassy eyes laugh, or the way you smile when you show a bit of menace. 

I like how when you walk in the wind you tilt your head so as not to ruin your hair. 

I like how you raise your eyebrows at something your mum says. 

I like how your face falls, innocently and softy when you talk about your dad. 

I like how you roll a cigarette, no matter how many times you do it. 

I like how you dance in the kitchen as if it was just you. 

I like how you play with your brother and the dog and my hair. 

I like how glare at other boys and live with a dash of flare. 

I like how you say my name and hold my hand. 

I like how you look surprised every time you take a photo

I like how you concentrate and I like how you laugh. 

I like how you lift me up and stop me from falling. 

I like how you cook and I like how you look. 

But most importantly I like you, and that’s something I always knew I would do. 

This ones for you

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It’s beginning to scare me now, It’s the sublime experience of loving you but not being in love with you. 

I’ve yet to discover your pet hates and sleeping habits. Or the way you have your coffee or write your name.

But my hearts already beating for every time you bite my lip and breathe in my ear. 

I already wake to the sound of your laughter and fall asleep to lucid scenarios I dare to dream of. 

I still have to learn what you are most fond of, what you’re best childhood memory is.

 I am still to see how you laugh and cry and how emotions shake you until you become another man. 

Yet you’ve already shown me the surface, I already know to soothe your anger and to hug you wholesomely.

 I know to stroke your hair and kiss you softly, I know how to love you but my guarded self doesn’t know how to be in love with you. 

So that’s what you have to learn about me. 

Pattering hearts and dusted cheeks

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The world stopped,
in it our eyes locked,
and the jubilant hum of the world became just that.

through your eyes I saw my own,
and in that moment I felt I was home.

This room,
its filled with forbidden passion,
we both knew we had to ration.

my past lovers held the chains,
whilst your only love held the reigns.

yet in my mind I hold scarce doubt,
that in due course,
we’re sure to shout
and our worlds will fuse with force.

then with a bump in the road I shy away,
and lead us into a platonic state.

with dusted cheeks and pattering hearts,
we braced the stairs and hoped to last.

Things I’ll never say-

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I need to whisper you something. When you came into my life, it was like I’d been waiting for you. I tried to commit suicide the week before. I had given up. I was miserable. Then, when I met you, it was like a reason to keep going.  You were everything I desired, handsome, witty, charming, sexy, naughty, wrong, bad, toxic, intimate, passionate and a friend. You promised me things I only read and dreamt about. You touched a piece of me neither of us even knew existed. Its like you once told me- whatever happens, even if we choose separate paths in life, I’ll never forget you. I’ll never forget this, that, then, the memories, the feeling, the way you make me feel. I’ll never forget the taste of your laced blood and possible children. The taste of you,  its made its home on my tongue. The imprint of your lips exist on my own. I’ll never forget the feeling of your hand in mine, or the way you cupped my face before a kiss. I’ll never forget the aroma of our sex or the shed or the woods, our bed or my home -you. I’ll never forget the soft caress of your hair dancing through my fingers. I’ll never forget the taste of warming bitter drone at the back of my throat. I’ll never forget how after your first line you’d either smile with relief and anticipation or smirk because you wanted my body in ways neither Satan nor Aphrodite could imagine. I’ll never forget the light of your intricate and hazy sea blue eyes or the way your pupils dilated and your words tumbled and fell. I’ll never forget the sound of my name born on your lips. I’ll never forget the way that your voice was of an octave so much like home my soul stirred. I’ll never forget on February 17th you woke an entire different being of whom I’ve now become.

I’ll never forget on March 1st we jumped from mountains and flew as Icarus and well – “Can we say it?” “Say what?” “I love you” “I love you too”. None of these things will ever leave me. I can’t control where they lay residence but I can ensure they never fade. And that’s what I want to say. Despite you being here, I’m getting bad again. I’ve forgotten how to hide from the night and now my body tires. My cheeks live to bore the death of my tears and my stomach has abandoned its purpose. My depression is awake again. Not because of you though. He woke when I slipped into the illusion of happiness. And now? Now its too late. I have to see this through. I don’t know how long it will last but I do know that with every breath I breathe, I often long my next to cease to last. My bones are made of paper words, my skin of air, my heart of coal and mind of the earth.

Baby I’m telling you this because if you leave me, I’m sure to die. I don’t care for how or where you stay. Much like my memories. Just so long as you are here with me. You just can’t leave me baby. You see, my darling, you are not just a reason to live, you are my very first and very last reason to. I’ve allowed the branches of my existence to become so entangled with yours that should you rise I shall collapse into a heap of broken chances. I need you to be here with me. To exist with me. To love me and to hold me and to care for me and want and need and help me. I need you to stay with me now. For crying out loud Baby please don’t ever fucking leave me. I can’t take it. I wont survive. You can’t leave me okay? Of all the promises my soul cries and my heart asks, I beg you, promise me this. Promise you’ll never leave me baby.

And in my grounded mind after a moment, behind the curtains and to the reminder of rain, I then heard the soft relieved sigh of my existence.

“Baby, I promise, I’ll never leave you.”

Cusp of Autumn

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Another month goes by. The seasons change.The days begin and end. Yet my love for you never leaves me and the pain you caused me never subsides. I wonder if, maybe you have a moment of weakness as I do, and that maybe a part of you just wants to forget and wipe the slate clean. To let the autumn rain wash away all our mistakes and let our hateful words die with the leaves. But then I remember, even if you do have this moment, even if you do think about the past or how things could have been, then I remember that actually there is no amount of love and repair that your moment of weakness can hold to fix the place we are in at the moment. Even if you do think about me, you still make the choice on every autumnal morning to leave us in this place of hatred and longing. This place of the unknown and unsaid. You still leave me here, and that was always my biggest fear. That you would lose me and never come after me. After all, sometimes we have to runaway just to see who will come after us and save us and show us how much we really mean to them.

Only you never came after me. You let me go, and I, in my moment of stupidity and curiosity let myself go too far. Now you will never come to save me and I will never return. We will forever be walking our lives alone. For all we ever wanted was for the other to show us love. And that my dear, is my greatest regret

 

Sanity’s absence

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I miss you baby,
I miss your smile,
I miss the way you’d lay with me,
And how we’d kiss every once in a while.

I miss you darling,
I miss your warm aroma,
I miss how your words were charming,
And how we’d slumber on the sofa.

I miss you handsome,
I miss your hands around my waist
I miss how the world seemed phantom,
And how we’d talk of dreams to chase.

I miss you man,
I miss you’re silly jokes,
I miss how you do the things only you can,
And how we’d leave the place in smokes.

I miss you mate,
I miss your voice,
I miss how we’d dance till late,
And how (haha) we’d always make the ‘wrong’ choice.

I miss you hun,
I miss your touch,
I also miss your fine ass bum,
And how I could sooth your worry with my own touch.

I miss you honey,
I miss hearing all the little details,
I miss how you’d find my stupidity funny,
And how you’d show me scars from your all tales.

I miss you b,
I miss looking at the stars,
I miss how you were there for me,
And how we engraved our own scars.

I miss you-
I miss you a lot,
All I do now is reminisce,
And revel in the taste this powders got.

I miss you.
I do. I hope you miss me too,
I suppose I need my friend back,
My sanity is beginning to slack.

momentary euphoria

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I can’t even begin to explain the way your tobacco breath excites my cells,
Its like they know that with each toxic breath you inhale, you get one step closer to your greatest fear, yet at the same time , the momentary head rush of toxins and pleasure is enough for you to take that risk.
And that’s what loving you feels like. Each time I spend another tender, innocent moment with you, my heart flutters and my stomach dances. I’ve never felt so alive as to when your eyes are delving into mine and your promises engrave themselves in my mind. I’ve never felt so mortal as to when your touch sears into my skin and the taste of your blood drives my want and passion.
Each time you take a pull, each time I hear your voice. We both take the risk of dying, of losing it all, just for that moment of euphoria and each time I hope the risk is worth it.