Things I’ll never say-

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I need to whisper you something. When you came into my life, it was like I’d been waiting for you. I tried to commit suicide the week before. I had given up. I was miserable. Then, when I met you, it was like a reason to keep going.  You were everything I desired, handsome, witty, charming, sexy, naughty, wrong, bad, toxic, intimate, passionate and a friend. You promised me things I only read and dreamt about. You touched a piece of me neither of us even knew existed. Its like you once told me- whatever happens, even if we choose separate paths in life, I’ll never forget you. I’ll never forget this, that, then, the memories, the feeling, the way you make me feel. I’ll never forget the taste of your laced blood and possible children. The taste of you,  its made its home on my tongue. The imprint of your lips exist on my own. I’ll never forget the feeling of your hand in mine, or the way you cupped my face before a kiss. I’ll never forget the aroma of our sex or the shed or the woods, our bed or my home -you. I’ll never forget the soft caress of your hair dancing through my fingers. I’ll never forget the taste of warming bitter drone at the back of my throat. I’ll never forget how after your first line you’d either smile with relief and anticipation or smirk because you wanted my body in ways neither Satan nor Aphrodite could imagine. I’ll never forget the light of your intricate and hazy sea blue eyes or the way your pupils dilated and your words tumbled and fell. I’ll never forget the sound of my name born on your lips. I’ll never forget the way that your voice was of an octave so much like home my soul stirred. I’ll never forget on February 17th you woke an entire different being of whom I’ve now become.

I’ll never forget on March 1st we jumped from mountains and flew as Icarus and well – “Can we say it?” “Say what?” “I love you” “I love you too”. None of these things will ever leave me. I can’t control where they lay residence but I can ensure they never fade. And that’s what I want to say. Despite you being here, I’m getting bad again. I’ve forgotten how to hide from the night and now my body tires. My cheeks live to bore the death of my tears and my stomach has abandoned its purpose. My depression is awake again. Not because of you though. He woke when I slipped into the illusion of happiness. And now? Now its too late. I have to see this through. I don’t know how long it will last but I do know that with every breath I breathe, I often long my next to cease to last. My bones are made of paper words, my skin of air, my heart of coal and mind of the earth.

Baby I’m telling you this because if you leave me, I’m sure to die. I don’t care for how or where you stay. Much like my memories. Just so long as you are here with me. You just can’t leave me baby. You see, my darling, you are not just a reason to live, you are my very first and very last reason to. I’ve allowed the branches of my existence to become so entangled with yours that should you rise I shall collapse into a heap of broken chances. I need you to be here with me. To exist with me. To love me and to hold me and to care for me and want and need and help me. I need you to stay with me now. For crying out loud Baby please don’t ever fucking leave me. I can’t take it. I wont survive. You can’t leave me okay? Of all the promises my soul cries and my heart asks, I beg you, promise me this. Promise you’ll never leave me baby.

And in my grounded mind after a moment, behind the curtains and to the reminder of rain, I then heard the soft relieved sigh of my existence.

“Baby, I promise, I’ll never leave you.”

McDowell

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He isn’t perfection,
My fallen angel,
He isn’t redemption,
Taken from the cradle.

We met by chance,
The moment undescribable,
Its not a love but false romance,
Eyes locked, hearts racing,
Words palpable.

He isn’t my idea of heaven,
My sanctuary or my dream,
But my life is what he lengthens,
Whilst he exists my blood will stream.

From Scottish ancestry,
Comes a god, a male, a king,
He descends to try and save me,
His blue eyes watering.

His story is just as sad as mine,
And we realise he is what I need,
But it’s only for a sweet time,
That I am his and he is mine.

Its toxic and true,
Brown and blue,
A fleeting moment,
Kiss, cut and bruise,
My soul mate,
He’s left me here to muse.

The girl in the white dress

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The girl in the white dress,
Stares at me, my body long and burnt,
Her eyes follow not where I go, not where I press, but where I have been in sorrow.

The girl in the white dress,
She reaches gracefully, arms outstretched, fingers pointed, legs poised. The wind is made of her soft caress.
All I long is to be like her, a gazelle, wild and at rest.

The girl in the white dress, takes my frozen palm, her eyes fixated on my dark skin,
Her pale pure outline fades,
She’ll not let it win.

The girl in the white dress,
The gazelle, the lady, the saviour,
She stares at me now, eye to eye, breast to breast,
My dark burnt skin begins to crumble, and my legs begin to waver.

The girl in the white dress,
To me is a fantasy,
Feathers in her hair and love in her stare,
I long for her to help me, to steal me, to fix me,
As I fall, she stays, my skin fades and the wind sways.

The girl in the white dress,
She stares at me now, a smile on her porcelain face and my heart in her hands, the girl in the white dress, she’s saved me now, with her only caress.