The girl in the white dress


The girl in the white dress,
Stares at me, my body long and burnt,
Her eyes follow not where I go, not where I press, but where I have been in sorrow.

The girl in the white dress,
She reaches gracefully, arms outstretched, fingers pointed, legs poised. The wind is made of her soft caress.
All I long is to be like her, a gazelle, wild and at rest.

The girl in the white dress, takes my frozen palm, her eyes fixated on my dark skin,
Her pale pure outline fades,
She’ll not let it win.

The girl in the white dress,
The gazelle, the lady, the saviour,
She stares at me now, eye to eye, breast to breast,
My dark burnt skin begins to crumble, and my legs begin to waver.

The girl in the white dress,
To me is a fantasy,
Feathers in her hair and love in her stare,
I long for her to help me, to steal me, to fix me,
As I fall, she stays, my skin fades and the wind sways.

The girl in the white dress,
She stares at me now, a smile on her porcelain face and my heart in her hands, the girl in the white dress, she’s saved me now, with her only caress.

Confusion Calling.


Eventually we found our common ground. Our no mans land that was always present. She asked about Grandma, calling her a wackadoodle. I heard the smile in her voice and I couldn’t  but help smile back.  Suddenly I was transported back to being on the bed with her, laughing and joking. Feeling as though we agreed on something. Seeing her face light up, with a sadistic joy that made my heart reach out to her.

I knew that now we weren’t shouting at one another I should lay out a safe guard. Whether it would work was soon to be found out.
” yes well, we can’t keep being like this. I don’t know what you want me to say when I see you.”
” you just can’t face us because you feel guilty-”
” well from now on, should we happen to see each other, or I pick up the phone we have to be civil.”
The words were suspended in the air causing a static. I had told her what to do and I could see her face. I knew that look. The look of how dare you. I waited.
She hadn’t flipped out. She wasn’t angry. I could tell that she was taken aback by my maturity that I never really showed before.
“The reason I have not called you or just shown up is because any move I make has to be measured and judged. Anything I do effects everyone. Not just me and I have to take that into account. I am aware it effects Logan and Ethan especially.” My words clung to the phone line, there was an authority and maturity that surprised me. I didn’t know I had it in me. I knew she was mulling over her response so she wouldn’t appear unfair or childish. 
Inevitably we reached a natural end to the rollercoaster of the conversation. The awkward good byes over and the phone down it suddenly hit me what had happened. We had argued,laughed and talked. But this time, our footing was closer to equal than it had ever been. It was surreal. I no longer saw her as my mother even though that thought never left me, she was an adult to me. A human. Someone who made mistakes and was just as lost and scared as I was. She didn’t want to lose her children, her entire existence. I heard her words in my head again.
“I made this choice. I wanted to be an at home mum.” I couldn’t help but think that by leaving her, as her eldest. It must have left her with not only a sense of confusion  but the feeling as though she had failed her only task. Her dream.
Now we were at a stand off and didn’t known the next move, but I knew I would be the one to make it.