Things I’ll never say-

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I need to whisper you something. When you came into my life, it was like I’d been waiting for you. I tried to commit suicide the week before. I had given up. I was miserable. Then, when I met you, it was like a reason to keep going.  You were everything I desired, handsome, witty, charming, sexy, naughty, wrong, bad, toxic, intimate, passionate and a friend. You promised me things I only read and dreamt about. You touched a piece of me neither of us even knew existed. Its like you once told me- whatever happens, even if we choose separate paths in life, I’ll never forget you. I’ll never forget this, that, then, the memories, the feeling, the way you make me feel. I’ll never forget the taste of your laced blood and possible children. The taste of you,  its made its home on my tongue. The imprint of your lips exist on my own. I’ll never forget the feeling of your hand in mine, or the way you cupped my face before a kiss. I’ll never forget the aroma of our sex or the shed or the woods, our bed or my home -you. I’ll never forget the soft caress of your hair dancing through my fingers. I’ll never forget the taste of warming bitter drone at the back of my throat. I’ll never forget how after your first line you’d either smile with relief and anticipation or smirk because you wanted my body in ways neither Satan nor Aphrodite could imagine. I’ll never forget the light of your intricate and hazy sea blue eyes or the way your pupils dilated and your words tumbled and fell. I’ll never forget the sound of my name born on your lips. I’ll never forget the way that your voice was of an octave so much like home my soul stirred. I’ll never forget on February 17th you woke an entire different being of whom I’ve now become.

I’ll never forget on March 1st we jumped from mountains and flew as Icarus and well – “Can we say it?” “Say what?” “I love you” “I love you too”. None of these things will ever leave me. I can’t control where they lay residence but I can ensure they never fade. And that’s what I want to say. Despite you being here, I’m getting bad again. I’ve forgotten how to hide from the night and now my body tires. My cheeks live to bore the death of my tears and my stomach has abandoned its purpose. My depression is awake again. Not because of you though. He woke when I slipped into the illusion of happiness. And now? Now its too late. I have to see this through. I don’t know how long it will last but I do know that with every breath I breathe, I often long my next to cease to last. My bones are made of paper words, my skin of air, my heart of coal and mind of the earth.

Baby I’m telling you this because if you leave me, I’m sure to die. I don’t care for how or where you stay. Much like my memories. Just so long as you are here with me. You just can’t leave me baby. You see, my darling, you are not just a reason to live, you are my very first and very last reason to. I’ve allowed the branches of my existence to become so entangled with yours that should you rise I shall collapse into a heap of broken chances. I need you to be here with me. To exist with me. To love me and to hold me and to care for me and want and need and help me. I need you to stay with me now. For crying out loud Baby please don’t ever fucking leave me. I can’t take it. I wont survive. You can’t leave me okay? Of all the promises my soul cries and my heart asks, I beg you, promise me this. Promise you’ll never leave me baby.

And in my grounded mind after a moment, behind the curtains and to the reminder of rain, I then heard the soft relieved sigh of my existence.

“Baby, I promise, I’ll never leave you.”

Sweet Denial

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As the words tumbled from your mouth, a laugh stumbled from mine. Don’t mistake me, I’m not mocking, only denying. Denying the idea that somone like you could fathom the idea, the notion and myth that you could possibly fall for me. Ha.

That’s where you fall down, where your weakness is. Yes you may have more knowledge of things I’m only just discovering, but I have more knowledge of myself. Something you’ve only just found. I see in your eyes that you truly belive you could love me, more than you already do. In a way neither of us planned to use.

You see the thing is, it’s not me, it is you. It is the way you love, it is the way you want to love and it is the only way you know how to. But I can’t be loved like that. I never have and never will. I’m not a dainty and elegant thing that can be loved by all and respond in the way they need. I’m not a rougue and wild woman whose lover loves her from a distance and that is enough for the both of them. I’m not the young sweet love which will last forever as long as you are happy. I’m not the tender caring love or the passionate and wild. I’m not the doomed or forbidden or the destined and desired. I’m none of the things that you understand about love. I’m all of the things you don’t.

I am person who cannot accept love, of any type, in any form, within any life time.  I blossom in the idea that I could receive your love the way you desired. But I don’t know how to. I don’t know how to take a man such as yourself, and turn him into a boy. I wouldn’t know how to love you so that you became the best of us. I don’t understand how to make you feel the way you want me to feel. I would do your love no justice, and that is something at which you laugh.

A person such as yourself is a blessing. Although you’ve lived through moons and starts and seen the worst of this world and of others, you still have a glimmer of hope that love conquers all. Another stumble.

Love does not conquer all, my dear, love is just the bandaid, the plaster, the cotton wool to put on a wound. All it does is shelter and protect something vulnerable. Love does not heal the wounded nor does it save them. It merely provides a basis for the weak and broken to try and fix themselves.

Which is why I cannot accpet your love. Which is why I must tell you “no” when you offer to me your heart, I would do you no justice and despite my yearning to be loved by you, to wake up next to your lips and to dream in your arms. Despite my body craving every inch of yours and my mind wanting to intertwine itself with yours. Depite my wanting whats best for you and caring for you no matter what state we may be in.

I must deny myself your unconditional offer. I cannot allow myself to be loved by a man like you, because if I did it would only be a waste of something so rare and intimate. So human and naïve, so pure and homely.

I must deny your love, my love, I have to. Im not ready to try and fix the wounds of years before. My wounds have become scars that run deeper than oceans on planets and abyss’s that duldge further than the boundaries of the earth. My scars can’t be fixed, soothed or remedied. I’m hopelessly broken but I’ve learned to live like this and this is how I shall continue to do so.

But I must thank you for giving my fractured ways a glimmer of warmth and hope, and maybe one day that will be enough to help my scars fade. And if they do, well, then maybe I would have learnt something new.

Addicted

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We’re standing in the rain,
Grass submersing our brains,
Waiting for the carriage,
Along to fucking marriage

Marriage to a life,
Of which I’m misfortunes wife,
And you’re the happy husband,
In miserable fucking England.

I hate your Scottish face,
You’re a bloody disgrace,
The way you handled me,
Was like our fucking child- our money.

I try to hold your hand,
Like we used to when we were whammed,
But the grass is in your clutch,
All you care for is the fucking promised land from the Dutch.

We’ll never be the same they say,
We’re heading our separate ways,
They’re right y’know?
I’d fucking leave you if you hadn’t of said ‘no’

So now I’m standing here,
With your breath in my ear,
The grass in our hearts
And our fucking dreams beginning to start.

Risks

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In life we get second chances. I have had many, and I am not sure how much longer my ‘one last thing’ attitude will last me. I wasn’t expecting the text from him. But I got it. I didn’t know that he would come after me. The winks and cheeky comments were just banter to me! Now, I can see that he misread me. But there is a part of me that allowed him to misread me. A part of me that wanted him too. Now I have got what i want, but unlike with F.  I may not get away with this one. F. may have been my last chance, now I feel I am pushing fate. I know that if I’m caught with him , I will have to move out. And that is a risk I shouldn’t take. But I am. But I will.

Why? Because.

Because despite my head telling me to settle down and behave. To keep out of harms way. I always take the risk.

I believe the main reason I do this is to test not only the boundaries, but myself. I want to see what I can take. What I can, under a certain amount of pressure and with something to loose, how far I can go. What will stop me? What will be the one thing I don’t risk? As so far I risked everything and everyone. Never have i come across something or someone and thought to myself “should the time come, I will never risk you. You mean too much to me.”

I also take risks because they are what make me feel alive! They are what make the future unpredictable. We cannot predict the outcome of a risk, a chance, a whim. And that is why I love it. My entire life has been predictable. Not in the sense that life events happened as they should, but in the sense that, put in a situation I know what will be the outcome. Others are too easy to predict and if it’s not them, it’s me. I know what the majority of my boundaries are. But I want to make them fool proof. The reason being, should I meet my match I want to know my own weakness.

And it appears that L. is my most current risk.

And it was a risk worth taking.

Being with him was the most sensual and full of life thing I have experienced. He made me feel so feminine and worthy. I know that what happened between us was not love, but a mutual appreciation for one another strongly fuelled by lust, want and rebellion.

My finding

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He was handsome, ruggishly handsome with an air of invincibility about him. He was laid back and cool, nothing appeared to bother him. This made him even more… Desirable. His Scottish accent livened my nerves and his electric blue eyes set me alight.

The night continued, the light headedness made everything that bit more exciting. Adrenaline pumped through my veins as we broke into the cinema building site. The sky had begun to lighten; he and I sat on the steps. He laughed.  His laughter was like magic, and although I’d only know him a short while, I knew his laughter would be something I would continue desire to hear.

He looked at me for a moment. I saw the world in his blue eyes and for a moment I felt something.

Words whispered from his mouth, a smile grew across my face and I tried to hold his gaze but couldn’t. A nervous laugh escaped from me. I felt the tension between us, it was as strong as the metal framework that structured the building. It was what I found out to be love.