Things I’ll never say-

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I need to whisper you something. When you came into my life, it was like I’d been waiting for you. I tried to commit suicide the week before. I had given up. I was miserable. Then, when I met you, it was like a reason to keep going.  You were everything I desired, handsome, witty, charming, sexy, naughty, wrong, bad, toxic, intimate, passionate and a friend. You promised me things I only read and dreamt about. You touched a piece of me neither of us even knew existed. Its like you once told me- whatever happens, even if we choose separate paths in life, I’ll never forget you. I’ll never forget this, that, then, the memories, the feeling, the way you make me feel. I’ll never forget the taste of your laced blood and possible children. The taste of you,  its made its home on my tongue. The imprint of your lips exist on my own. I’ll never forget the feeling of your hand in mine, or the way you cupped my face before a kiss. I’ll never forget the aroma of our sex or the shed or the woods, our bed or my home -you. I’ll never forget the soft caress of your hair dancing through my fingers. I’ll never forget the taste of warming bitter drone at the back of my throat. I’ll never forget how after your first line you’d either smile with relief and anticipation or smirk because you wanted my body in ways neither Satan nor Aphrodite could imagine. I’ll never forget the light of your intricate and hazy sea blue eyes or the way your pupils dilated and your words tumbled and fell. I’ll never forget the sound of my name born on your lips. I’ll never forget the way that your voice was of an octave so much like home my soul stirred. I’ll never forget on February 17th you woke an entire different being of whom I’ve now become.

I’ll never forget on March 1st we jumped from mountains and flew as Icarus and well – “Can we say it?” “Say what?” “I love you” “I love you too”. None of these things will ever leave me. I can’t control where they lay residence but I can ensure they never fade. And that’s what I want to say. Despite you being here, I’m getting bad again. I’ve forgotten how to hide from the night and now my body tires. My cheeks live to bore the death of my tears and my stomach has abandoned its purpose. My depression is awake again. Not because of you though. He woke when I slipped into the illusion of happiness. And now? Now its too late. I have to see this through. I don’t know how long it will last but I do know that with every breath I breathe, I often long my next to cease to last. My bones are made of paper words, my skin of air, my heart of coal and mind of the earth.

Baby I’m telling you this because if you leave me, I’m sure to die. I don’t care for how or where you stay. Much like my memories. Just so long as you are here with me. You just can’t leave me baby. You see, my darling, you are not just a reason to live, you are my very first and very last reason to. I’ve allowed the branches of my existence to become so entangled with yours that should you rise I shall collapse into a heap of broken chances. I need you to be here with me. To exist with me. To love me and to hold me and to care for me and want and need and help me. I need you to stay with me now. For crying out loud Baby please don’t ever fucking leave me. I can’t take it. I wont survive. You can’t leave me okay? Of all the promises my soul cries and my heart asks, I beg you, promise me this. Promise you’ll never leave me baby.

And in my grounded mind after a moment, behind the curtains and to the reminder of rain, I then heard the soft relieved sigh of my existence.

“Baby, I promise, I’ll never leave you.”

Sanity’s absence

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I miss you baby,
I miss your smile,
I miss the way you’d lay with me,
And how we’d kiss every once in a while.

I miss you darling,
I miss your warm aroma,
I miss how your words were charming,
And how we’d slumber on the sofa.

I miss you handsome,
I miss your hands around my waist
I miss how the world seemed phantom,
And how we’d talk of dreams to chase.

I miss you man,
I miss you’re silly jokes,
I miss how you do the things only you can,
And how we’d leave the place in smokes.

I miss you mate,
I miss your voice,
I miss how we’d dance till late,
And how (haha) we’d always make the ‘wrong’ choice.

I miss you hun,
I miss your touch,
I also miss your fine ass bum,
And how I could sooth your worry with my own touch.

I miss you honey,
I miss hearing all the little details,
I miss how you’d find my stupidity funny,
And how you’d show me scars from your all tales.

I miss you b,
I miss looking at the stars,
I miss how you were there for me,
And how we engraved our own scars.

I miss you-
I miss you a lot,
All I do now is reminisce,
And revel in the taste this powders got.

I miss you.
I do. I hope you miss me too,
I suppose I need my friend back,
My sanity is beginning to slack.

The girl in the white dress

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The girl in the white dress,
Stares at me, my body long and burnt,
Her eyes follow not where I go, not where I press, but where I have been in sorrow.

The girl in the white dress,
She reaches gracefully, arms outstretched, fingers pointed, legs poised. The wind is made of her soft caress.
All I long is to be like her, a gazelle, wild and at rest.

The girl in the white dress, takes my frozen palm, her eyes fixated on my dark skin,
Her pale pure outline fades,
She’ll not let it win.

The girl in the white dress,
The gazelle, the lady, the saviour,
She stares at me now, eye to eye, breast to breast,
My dark burnt skin begins to crumble, and my legs begin to waver.

The girl in the white dress,
To me is a fantasy,
Feathers in her hair and love in her stare,
I long for her to help me, to steal me, to fix me,
As I fall, she stays, my skin fades and the wind sways.

The girl in the white dress,
She stares at me now, a smile on her porcelain face and my heart in her hands, the girl in the white dress, she’s saved me now, with her only caress.

Addicted

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We’re standing in the rain,
Grass submersing our brains,
Waiting for the carriage,
Along to fucking marriage

Marriage to a life,
Of which I’m misfortunes wife,
And you’re the happy husband,
In miserable fucking England.

I hate your Scottish face,
You’re a bloody disgrace,
The way you handled me,
Was like our fucking child- our money.

I try to hold your hand,
Like we used to when we were whammed,
But the grass is in your clutch,
All you care for is the fucking promised land from the Dutch.

We’ll never be the same they say,
We’re heading our separate ways,
They’re right y’know?
I’d fucking leave you if you hadn’t of said ‘no’

So now I’m standing here,
With your breath in my ear,
The grass in our hearts
And our fucking dreams beginning to start.

Sorry

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Your T-shirt hugs me the same way you used to,

Tight and warm but loose in all the right places,

My tears of my mistake have stained the print,

Just like my mistake stained our future.

I’m sorry.

I never meant to hurt you,

And for this I will always be sorry,

You did nothing but make me happy,

But I threw it away.

The happiness, the picture.

The idea and the hope.

And I’m sorry.

Auto Pilot

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It can be hard to know how a day will plan out. But sometimes your instinct tells you that the day ahead will be one to test you. To make you doubt yourself. To highlight all of the problems you hid away. Yesterday was one of those days. I had the surreal experience of bumping into my father. The father I haven’t spoken to in 11 months. The man whose daughter disappointed so deeply he had nothing to say to her when he happened to see her.

It was surreal, for so long I had hidden any feelings and all at once I was confronted with them.

I saw him immediately as I turned the corner. My stomach dropped as I am sure my mouth did. I felt nauseous and lost. My gut instinct was to run to him and wrap my hands around his large stomach and squeeze him with all I had left. I wanted him to know how much I loved and missed him.

But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

Instead I stared and in doing so, I caught his eye. The bleak half smiles exchanged were so contrasted to the full blown happy smiles we used to exchange. After that I stared at the floor and prayed that Grandma wouldn’t see him. Seconds later I heard her call him, I turned away in disbelief. Shaking and nauseous I tried to hold back tears. My sound was blocked out. I felt as though I was submersed in water.  Grandma’s voice called me from a distance and asked to me to say hello to my father. I turned to him. We stared at each other. His eyes said all I needed to know. Neither of us said anything. I raised my hand as a greeting. Then my self-control no longer kept my tears at bay. Whilst my Grandma continued her idle and desperate talk I shook as hot tears cascaded down my pale face. I paced up and down trying not to vomit as I debated on whether or not to walk away but I couldn’t think straight. So I just stood for a few more seconds until I could take it no more and my weak legs carried me away.  No less than twenty seconds later I was sobbing and my Grandma was behind me with her arm on my shoulder. I pushed her off wiped my tears of betrayal and walked to the car.

In the car I just stared. Oblivious if the cruel world that surrounded me. I held in my emotions until I passed the threshold of my door and closed it behind me. Then at last I sobbed and silently wailed until I could no longer stand or breathe. I lay and composed myself.

I showered quietly. Not thinking. Not crying. Just following my auto pilot’s orders

Smile. Laugh. Cry. Love.

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Smile as though it were your last smile,
Laugh as though it were your first laugh,
Cry as though it were your worst cry,
Love as though it were your only love.

Spend as if there were no debt,
Run as if there was land to spare,
Fight as though your lovers life were at risk,
Die as though it were your birth.

Remember for the life of you,
Forget for the death of her,
Love for the heart of him,
Breathe for the sake of them.

Whatever you do,
Wherever you go,
Whoever you talk to,
Whatever you become,

Fill that act, that place, that word,
With the same amount of equality and confidence as you do yourself,
And others around you.

Make an act of hate into an act of peace.
Make a word of war into a word of love.

Hate the loved and love the hated,
Want the unwanted,
But most of all,
Love the unloved for all they are worth
And heal the world of its lonely souls.