My dearest stranger

My dearest stranger,
When we meet,
We shall laugh and dance,
And sing and cry and cheat,
And little will we know it,
We would have met by chance,
To fill one another’s hearts with romance.

The friendship we form shall be a blast,
Rockety and exhilarating,
But will always last.

It may be too late to realise,
What we mean to each other,
There are so many parts of you,
I have yet to discover.

But know this,
My dearest stranger,
I will love you for,
All you are worth
And all you are not.

I will love you,
For every time I look in desperation,
And find your face,
In the crowded station.

I will live you with all I can,
For I made you a better man,
And in return you made me,
Not only the most privelidged woman,
But the woman who knows,
That should she fall,
It will be her man in armour,
Who catches her before she lands,
And holds her safely in your hands.

So my dearest stranger,
I thought you should know,
I already love you
And will continue to do so forever.

The crazy loss of a mother’s voice

To lose someone, is for them to slip away.
To love someone, is to be there everyday.

She claims she lost me, she claims I left.
She claims I committed the crime of theft.

I did not leave her,she gave me no choice.
I did not steal from her, as it was mine.
My voice.

You still wait for me to return I see.
You still assume that I remain unfree.

But do watch out, my mother.
My lady.
For they say we are alike,
Stubborn and crazy.

Moving on

I tried.
I failed.
What happens now?

What happens when I lose
All that I cared for?
All that I lived for?
All that I would always choose?

I tried to be the bigger person,
But no matter how close,
I remained young and useless.

Now I see myself,
Surrounded by mistakes and hope that never lasts.
Smothered by my regrets of the near past.

It may not be our mistakes that define us,
Or the experiences that change myself,
But it is the regrets that we carry with us,
That alter how I live with myself.

And if we cannot live with ourselves
If your own face is beyond recognition
You can’t forgive, or allow ourselves,
Then we can not move forward and create a better impression.

Then, you, I and us,
We. We are forever living in the depths of our regrets.

My queen no more

Drifting away, further and further,
Cryptic darkness holding the secrets of your past,
Having to make each moment last.

He left for different reasons,
Do you have to wander as well?

Your favourite colour,
Royal blue.
The colour, so sad, so deep, so you
You, are my Queen.

Water enriched with sharp salt,
As bitter memories fall for you,
Your childhood, crestfallen and desolate,
You are my Queen.

The pain you feel everyday,
Loss can over take, make the pain go away,
But then I realise,
You are the one being lost.
My mistakes led you astray.
My Queen.

Trust…
Gone.

Love…
Gone.

Us…
Gone.

A four letter word,
Four souls who will miss you,
Our pale discs leak,
Along with our beating hearts.

I cannot lose you my Queen,
I only just got you back.

You are my role model.
My love. My life.
My Queen.

I want to keep you safe,
Wrapped up in cotton wool,
Until you go out like a candle,
No fuel left to burn,
Lost among the bramble,
My Queen. No more.

No more trips to white hell,
No more waiting for results,
No more goody bags full with toxins,
No more dissapointment,
No more pitying discs watching.

Mine looking at you.
My Queen.

You no more.
Me no more.
Complete no more.

Anything and everything no more.
My Queen. No more.

But before you leave,
There is something I must breathe,
My Queen. I want to whisper,
one more secret.

But my Queen.
I can linger a little longer.

My only night Angel

My heart bleeds,
Whilst my head aches.

Tears cascade,
Hands clenched.

Pillow drenched.

I long for my partner,
In crime,
In life,
In love.

The darkness illuminates my insecurities,
My losses.

The empty bed,
My solitary hand and heavy head.

My eyes close.
Lips tremble.
Lungs close.
Heart cracks.

I sob sorrowfully.
I miss him.
His small warm body,
Face to face.
Hands holding me.
Back facing me.

I foolishly fell,
Into a sense of security,
One I thought to be unbreakable,
Now it’s absence is unbearable.

I would commit anything,
To spend one more night together.

Holding.
Being.
Spooning.
Dreaming.
Together.

Forever in platonic safety.

Now whilst I think, eat, dream alone,
I sleep alone,
With nothing but my tears,
My cold arms,
Trying to replace the ones that kept out my fears.

Wanting nothing more than to have,
My only night Angel.

My only night Angel.
To whom I can wake to,
Call to. Fall to.

Without me, without us,
My only night Angel sleeps alone too.

Tonight will be the same,
Crying. Longing.
Breaking.

Dying.

Calling

The door slams.
The police call.
I scream and cry!
Do you not love me at all?

The fist rams.
My body will fall.
I shudder and cry.
Why do you treat me like a football?

I cry for your love.
You neglect my cry.
I watch your hand from above.

You hit. I fall.
I cry. You scream.
I weep. You shout.
You stomp. I sleep.

Love me mother.
Love me child.
Love me brother.
My heart is wild.

I search and search.
Until nothing is left.
I search and search.
But you have already left.

At least for today

Dad,
Sometimes I hate you,
Sometimes I don’t,
Other times,
I want to wrap my hands around your throat.

Once a year,
You smile at me,
Twice a year,
I love thee,
Thrice a year?
Well I’d be lucky,
If you even acknowledged me.

But then again,
We have those times,
When I love you,
And you love me.

No matter snow or rain,
Sun or cloud,
Our love together,
Speaks aloud.

For the times when we remember,
Our genes are what keep us together,
So,
Dad,
Daddy,
I just wanted to say,
That I will love you.

At least for today.

Surrender

In my moment of weakness,
I want to surrender myself,
Not only to you but your kiss,
Your kiss alone renders me helpless.

Sometimes I delude that we,
No matter the circumstances,
Can make it together. Free,
And able. Though using all of our chances.

But then I remember,
I had my chance.
Still we have a glow of ember,
But there is no romance.

So now I savour every moment.
Every moment of weakness.
Each moment we shared.
And I hope for that moment.
That we will love again.

Father in waiting

I waited daddy,
I waited for you to come and get me.
I waited for your face and hugs.
I waited for you to save me.

I always thought you secretly loved me,
No matter what the Lady said.
I always thought you’d save me daddy.
That you would come to my bed.

But you didn’t daddy.
I don’t know why. I still love you.
Daddy why didn’t you save me?
From the night? From the danger? From her?
Why? Why don’t you love me anymore?

Well.
Daddy. I’m still waiting.
I’m waiting for you to come and get me.
I’m still waiting for you face and hugs.
I’m waiting for you daddy.
I’m waiting for you to come and love me.

Save me

Help me. I can’t make it on my own.
Save me. The abyss of my mistakes is where I drown.
If I call, will you come?
Will you save me?

I know mistakes made are unforgivable, unreasoned.
But believe me, I see the treason.
The person I was before,
Save her.
Its her life i stole. I wanted more.
I live in the remains of a broken love.
Of a mistake, of good intentions.
Yet I make no redemptions.
Will you save me?

So I ask, I beg!
Forgive my ways, I can change.
It is a task,  but I can commit!
No crimes of deceit,
No lies. No fires
Please. Believe me.
I will tire my tries.

Help me.
Save me.
Want me.

Save me,
Before I drown,
Save me,
Before I burn.
Save me.
Save. Me.